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Post by Ink on Mar 10, 2009 18:46:46 GMT -7
Shut Up, Forgive Me.
You are one of the few that I trust I’d willingly call you my sister if you were to ask However, you kill me when you talk I cleverly hid it, though, behind a mask
The worst part is that you think you help There is no disdain in your voice when you brag Nevertheless, all it does is make me realize more How very, very far behind you I lag
You take everything away from me I can tell (even if you can’t) you think you’re better I’ve got to let you know before you murder me So I am telling you with this poem, this letter
Behind each reassurance you give to me There’s always “I have more than you, I am better at that than you are, I have it much, much worse than you.”
Maybe it is not your fault, but it still hurts Everything I tell you feels like old news That which you have not done you take away After all, you can put it to better use
Maybe it is true, maybe you are better But I know how I feel matters to you Because you think you can solve all my problems However, being around for me simply will not do
Yeah, I admit, you help me out And God I don’t know what I’d do without it But it simply isn’t enough to solve things And before you answer this, think about it.
Can you deny that this is true!? I’m sure you are aware, at least slightly So do not be so condescending Or else I will slip away quietly.
And do not dare think that means death Sorry, friend, but you aren’t that influential And do not take this the wrong way I just want you to know that I too have potential.
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Randy
Moderator
Call me Randy if you don't want to type "SuperMan" ^^
Posts: 843
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Post by Randy on Mar 11, 2009 11:29:45 GMT -7
I feel a lot of spirit in it, and I think it is a very strong poem and has a strong subject that I think a lot of people can relate to. But I think that you should could consider condensing it a little, especially in the syllables per line.
But other than that I think it's a very nice poem ^^
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Post by Ink on Mar 11, 2009 12:07:49 GMT -7
Thank you very much. ^^ I like it long though, I'm big on free verse but I felt like having a rhyme scheme (abcb) so to compensate for that structure I made it have a strange rythm. I guess it makes it harder to read, but I write poems for myself not for other people's enjoyment. Plus, I didn't want it to have a sing-song sound like a lot of rhymed poetry gets. xD But, thanks for the critique. =]
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Randy
Moderator
Call me Randy if you don't want to type "SuperMan" ^^
Posts: 843
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Post by Randy on Mar 12, 2009 12:07:41 GMT -7
Well, that makes completely sense, and I understand it nicely. My sister's the same way.
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Post by Ink on Mar 12, 2009 16:20:14 GMT -7
It makes sense? That's good. I often worry that when I try to explain that sort of thing I end up getting quite incoherent. xD
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Randy
Moderator
Call me Randy if you don't want to type "SuperMan" ^^
Posts: 843
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Post by Randy on Mar 13, 2009 13:23:46 GMT -7
That happens to me all the time. Whenever I try to explain something, and it makes complete sense to me, the person(or people) I'm trying to explain it to are like... What the hell is she saying? And... Yeah. lol
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Post by + RJ on Mar 15, 2009 9:32:58 GMT -7
That was one of the best things you've ever written, Ink... though.... now I'm afraid.....
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Post by Ink on Mar 18, 2009 18:25:01 GMT -7
Thanks. I'm glad it was good xD
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Post by + RJ on Mar 18, 2009 18:39:26 GMT -7
Yet I'm still concerned by it
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Post by Ink on Mar 18, 2009 18:51:42 GMT -7
...Sorry
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Post by + RJ on Mar 18, 2009 18:56:41 GMT -7
Who... are you talking to?
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Post by Ink on Mar 19, 2009 3:45:08 GMT -7
If anyone thinks it could apply to them I am talking to them. Obviously if a person sees truth in it for themselves than, even if it was not intended for them originally, they are who is being talked to.
Sorry it's cryptic, but I don't want to explain this poem...
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Post by + RJ on Mar 19, 2009 16:12:23 GMT -7
Poems are never enjoyable to explain. I HATE when they make you do that shit in school.
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Post by Ink on Mar 19, 2009 16:24:13 GMT -7
Yeah, I know. At least I haven't had to do that since freshman year. I kind of miss creative writing though, even though it bugged me that the teacher reads the stuff you write.
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Post by + RJ on Mar 19, 2009 16:37:04 GMT -7
The stuff I write might disturb a teacher.
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